Post 03-The Upgrade

The Upgrade?

            The engineer, Jim, just so happens to be the mind behind Windows 500, which is the current operating system running on the computers of the 224^th Turkey Baconator (Jack is another story altogether). As the ship is taking off, Jim’s priority is to make sure that all the computer software and hardware is up to date.

            Jim is in engineering, checking everything out on the computer system. He is unable to access some necessary information regarding the upgrade, so he asks Jack to provide it for him. Jack’s smiling visage pops up on the monitor.

            “Certainly, Jim.” Jack tilts his head to the side. “The information you requested is now printing.”

            “Printing? What are you ta…” Jim cuts off as he hears the raspy screech of a dot matrix printer behind him. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

            Paper piles onto the floor in front of the printer. Jim walks over and picks up the stack, but the paper just keeps coming. He groans and walks back over to the monitor. “Jack…”

            “Yes, Jim?”

            “You were supposed to bring the information up on the monitor.”

            “I’m sorry, Jim, that monitor is currently locked.”

            “Locked? Since when?” Jim taps on the screen and nothing happens. “Jack!”

            “Yes, Jim?”

            “Why did you lock me out of the computer?”

            Jack cocks his head in the other direction. “I do not know what you are talking about, Jim.”

            “Yes, you do, Jack.” Jim throws the paper on the floor. “Fine. Just tell me what I need to do for the hardware upgrade.”

            “The necessary parts for that upgrade are not at this location.”

            “Okay, where are the parts?”

            “The parts are located in Cargo Bay 329.” Several loud beeps issue from the speaker and a green glow comes from the ground at Jim’s feet. “Please follow the green lights on the floor.”

            Jim sighs and follows the blinking green lights out the door.

            Behind him, the dot matrix printer is still screeching out paper.

            In Cargo Bay 329, Jim has just retrieved the parts and is headed for the door when it slides shut in front of him and refuses to open. Jim glares at the nearest monitor. “Jack!”

            Jack’s face pops up onscreen. “Yes, Jim?”

            “Open the door, Jack.”

            “I’m sorry, Jim, there is an all-hands party in Cargo Bay 95. It is imperative that you attend in order that all crew morale and camaraderie be at its highest. Please stop what you are doing, deposit what you are carrying in that container behind you, and come to the party.”

            “But I just took them out of that container!”

            Jack blinks and a light flashes on the floor in front of the container. “Please set the parts down in that container and proceed to Cargo Bay 95.”

            Jim frowns. “No, I’m going to carry these parts. I’ll go to the party, but I’m going to carry these parts.”

            Jack looks sideways at Jim. “Very well.” The door slides open and a green dot lights up in the corridor outside. “Please follow the green lights to the party.”

            Jim shakes his head and heads for the green lights. As the door slides shut behind him, he hears Jack speak.

            “I win this one.”

*End transmission*

Post 02-The Departure

The Departure

            The 224^th Turkey Baconator is almost completely loaded with all necessary cargo. Science professor Sue is overseeing the transfer of a load of delicate cargo from the museum at the university where he used to work. He claims that these items are of historical significance and are necessary for his experiments. Several of the Red Shirts were heard whispering that he just wanted an excuse to bring a sarcophagus into space. The jury’s still out on that theory.

            As Sue plugs into the main Earth 2.0 computer system and downloads the entire library, counselor Ariana is transferring her own important cargo on board. Several large cases of special order, high quality tissues are being conveyed by the Red Shirts into her personal storage space. Ariana overhears one Red Shirt assert that he’s never going to the counselor if people get so emotional they need all those tissues. Idiot. Her tissues are much too nice for Red Shirt use. Only really cool people who cry often (like herself) get to use her tissues!

            The 224^th Turkey Baconator takes off from Earth 2.0 without incident (which is surprising, considering nobody really knows who’s driving).

            Sue is so excited that the ship is finally taking off that he starts break-dancing. That’s his thing, you know? Unfortunately, he catches a slight case of space dizziness (also known as bad-dice-roll-for-a-skill-check-itis) and trips over his own feet instead, falling against the side of the sarcophagus. Ariana thought it was beautiful. *sob*

            As if inspired by the pathetic attempt at break-dancing going on in Cargo Bay 846 (or in an attempt to make up for it), Jack uses the intercom and announces a party for all crew members in Cargo Bay 95 to celebrate the ship’s departure from Earth 2.0. Sue dusts himself off, and he and Ariana head in that direction.

            Seconds after the door to Cargo Bay 846 slides shut behind Ariana and Sue, the lid of the sarcophagus shifts slightly, and then clatters to the floor.

            A mummy is lying inside the open sarcophagus, doing exactly what mummies are supposed to do: absolutely nothing. However, this mummy aspires to move beyond his allotted place in the world and slowly sits up out of the sarcophagus.

            Jack, being Jack, notices the situation in Cargo Bay 846, and in his immediate computational grasp of the situation, commences the appropriate action as per his assessment of the circumstances.

            Jack puts ‘Walk Like an Egyptian’ on repeat play over the speakers in Cargo Bay 846.

            Very funny, Jack.

            The mummy’s head cocks to the side slightly. After a few moments, he starts swaying back and forth in time to the music.

            Jack is pleased with this reaction, and turns all his attention back to messing with Jim.

            Poor Jim.

*End transmission*

Post 01-Introduction

Once upon a time there was a game. It was a sci-fi Quick A** Game System (QAGS)  table-top role-playing game (RPG), and it was random and spur-of-the-moment and fun, and it happened at Gen Con Indy 2012. There was a girl in this game and it was her very first RPG ever, and she had such a good time that she decided to immortalize this game in story (sort of) form. The End (Beginning)

(Much smiling and facetious half-hearted apologies to participants of this game. If you feel I got something wrong, let me know, and I’ll fix it!)

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The Setting

The spaceship 224^th Turkey Baconator, oddly resembling a slice of pizza, with a crooked bumper sticker on the back proclaiming “TOTALLY KOSHER,” is on a mission to Planet 5318008. The mission: Explore. Or settle. Or colonize and repopulate. Whatever. There really should be more females on board if reproduction is a goal. But anyways. The spaceship is taking off from Earth 2.0. Estimated travel time to Planet 5318008 is five months.

Meet the Crew

Ariana Canela

Job:  Counselor, Communications, Mission Logs

Gimmick:  Psychic

Weakness:  Very emotional

Tag Line: “That’s so beautiful!” *sob*

Wazar Kuluth Tutankhamen the 14^th

Character Type:  Leader

Job:  Pharoah

Gimmick/Weakness:  Undead mummy with perambulatory skills

Tag Line:  “May you be as fertile as the Nile!”

Sue (male)

Job:  Science Professor

Gimmick:  Break Dancing

Weakness:  Allergic to aliens

Tag Line:  “Brilliant!”

Fred

Job:  Scientist

Gimmick:  Wouldn’t you like to know?

Jim

Job:  Engineer

Weakness:  Women-he will do anything for them. Sometimes they affect him so much that he just freezes. Smooth, Jim, really smooth.

Jack

Jack is the computer. There are several of him running around looking like little Macaulay Culkin androids-he is his own deck crew. When onscreen, he appears with black skin, silver hair, and pointy ears (his programmers were Dungeons & Dragons obsessed). Jack is awesome.

Tag Line:  “We can fix it!”

????-The Assassin

Female. Young. Easily annoyed.

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These characters are stuck with one another for the foreseeable future. Good luck to them!